-(2).webp)
“Hey, I love you.” “I can’t wait to hang out with you tonight.” “Will you come with me for this errand?”
Gentle hugs and unprompted cuddles on the couch. Grabbing your favorite snack without you having to ask and checking in on you during your lunch break.
These are all forms of reassurance in a relationship, and when done right, they can elevate a relationship, make it more secure, and increase the mental health of both partners.
If someone has an insecure attachment style, a history of abusive or toxic relationships, or mental health issues like OCD, reassurance can quickly become something they need. This unhealthy reliance on reassurance in order to feel secure in a relationship can slowly wear down the bond between you and your partner, and your own mental health.
This article covers what reassurance in a relationship is, how much normal reassurance is, when you should stop asking for reassurance, and how to give good reassurance to your partner.
What Is Reassurance in a Relationship?
Reassurance is the things we say and do that help your partner feel secure in the relationship and in your love. Saying “I love you” can be a form of reassurance. So can giving a meaningful gift or having their coffee ready for them when they get up.
These small actions and words reaffirm that they are loved and wanted. When done right, reassurance can help people feel safe in their relationships.
What Is Normal Reassurance in a Relationship?
Normal, regular reassurance is a good thing. Giving reassurance multiple times a day can even be a good thing.
Every person’s individual need for reassurance will be different. If you feel like you’re not getting enough, talk to your partner about what they can do to provide more daily reassurance.
Too much reassurance can be a sign of a deeper issue, however.
Healthy Reassurance
Healthy reassurance is usually given unprompted and serves to make the partner feel good about themselves and the relationship. Examples include:
- Saying “I love you”
- Complimenting each other
- Admiring their skills, like offering to plan a date to celebrate a promotion, or taking an interest in their work story
- Buying them small gifts or tokens of appreciation, like bringing them lunch or buying them a cute little knicknack you know they’ll love
- Anticipating their needs, like bringing them coffee or warming up their side of the bed
- Expressing your desire to be with them
Reassurance can take many different forms. Your love language likely plays a big role. If you and your partner have opposing love languages, you might struggle with feeling reassured and giving reassurance.
We’ll walk through how to give reassurance below, but having a conversation with your partner about how you like to be loved is a good start.
Unhealthy reassurance
Unhealthy reassurance is usually prompted and serves to alleviate anxiety or tension in a partner. Here are some examples:
- Constantly asking if your partner is mad at you
- Repeatedly asking, “Do you still love me?” or a similar phrase
- “Testing” them with trick questions, leading questions, or scenarios in which you’re looking for a certain answer
- Fishing for compliments
- Asking others what your partner says about you
- Threatening to break up with them so you can test how much they really love you
- Going through their phone to look for evidence of their love.
Some of these can be a form of manipulation. Even if you aren’t purposefully trying to manipulate your partner, these behaviors can slowly erode the trust in a relationship.
In some cases, these might be healthy. For example, you just had a fight and ask your partner, “Do you still love me?” This makes sense given the situation. However, if you ask them the same question a few hours later, and again the next morning, and again the following evening, it might be getting obsessive.
Other times, these behaviors can arise because the partner isn’t giving enough reassurance in the first place. In this case, having a conversation and enacting some of the steps below can help.
Why Do I Need So Much Reassurance in My Relationship?
Unhealthy reassurance follows the same pattern as obsessions do in OCD and other mental health disorders. There is a deep-seated fear that you are unlovable, you will be left, or that people are actually really mad at you.
This deeply held fear causes anxiety and tension. To get rid of that anxiety, you ask for reassurance. The reassurance temporarily provides relief from the anxiety. But the anxiety will come back, and you ask for reassurance again.
This cycle of reassurance-seeking behaviors is a hallmark of relationship OCD and can be a sign of other mental health issues, including:
- Insecure attachment style
- Previous toxic or tumultuous relationship
- Past relationship abuse
- Childhood trauma
- Trust Issues
- Anxiety
- Depression and low self-esteem
- OCD, especially Relationship OCD
These are just some reasons you might be overly seeking reassurance.
How to Stop Asking for Reassurance
The doubts that can stem from being unsure of your partner's love and commitment are undoubtedly painful. If you are caught in a cycle of reassurance seeking, continuing to seek reassurance will only make it work. Instead, here are some steps you can take:
- Talk to your partner about how you need reassurance. Be specific about what type you want. Then, trust that they will provide you with it.
- Sit with discomfort. When you feel the need to ask, “Are you mad at me?” sit with discomfort for a few minutes. Let it pass. Engage in a different coping mechanism if you can.
- Focus on building your self-esteem.
- Distract yourself to wait out the urge to ask for reassurance.
- Talk to a therapist.
Excessive reassurance-seeking behavior can be a sign of OCD, anxiety, or depression. Heal by addressing the root cause. Talk to a therapist today.
How to Reassure Your Partner
Knowing how to give effective reassurance is a skill. Here are some tips to give better reassurance in your relationship:
- Know your partner. How do they like to receive love? You might be a big words of affirmation person when giving reassurance, but they prefer to receive love by acts of service. Adapt how you provide reassurance to fit their style.
- Talk about it. It doesn’t make you a bad partner to ask, “I want to show you love in the way that matters most to you. How can I do that?” Listen to what they say. Provide your own answer in return.
- Provide feedback. It’s okay if you don’t get it right the first time. “I really appreciated what you did for me, but next time I’d prefer if you wait until I’m off work. I tend to get into the zone when I’m working, and it’s hard for me to be really present with you then.” Adjust your reassurance giving as needed.
- Make it fun. You’re showing someone you love just how much you love them! This doesn’t have to be a chore, so make it fun for you and them. Get creative with it.
- Don’t ignore the small things. Give random hugs, cuddle up close on the couch, and give small compliments whenever you think of it. If they're wearing something that makes them look good, say so. If you have a positive thought about them, share it. These small gestures add up and are often more powerful than any one big gesture.
- Keep flirtations alive. Pretend like you have to “win” them all over again. What would you say? How would you act? Flirting while in a long-term relationship is a great way to keep desire alive.
If you and your partner struggle with feeling reassured by each other, therapy can help. Couples therapy is a way to meet in the middle and work through your differences.
Differences in a relationship aren’t always a bad thing. Make your differences work together with the help of couples counseling.
