Grief is something we will all experience, but its universality doesn’t make it easy. The loss of a loved one can feel like it tears the whole world apart. In a way, that’s true.
Humans are social creatures. Our brain views relationships as a survival necessity. According to Mary-Frances O’Connor, a pioneer psychologist in the field of grief and loss, grief hurts because the loved one you lost is coded into your brain’s neural networks.
According to O’Connor, a bonded relationship is coded into different parts of our brain. The shift from “we” to “I” that happens after a loved one passes is difficult for the brain to comprehend because to the brain, that person hasn’t left yet. They’re still coded into your neurons.
The long story short of it is that grief hurts. Although everyone will go through their own journey with a group, the 5 stages of grief are one way to shine some light on that journey and hopefully make it a little easier to heal.
Kübler-Ross 5 Stages of Grief
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross was a Swiss-born American psychologist who pioneered the field of death, dying, and grief. Her book, On Death and Dying, outlines the five stages of grief, which are still used today.
Call out: Although the Kubler-Ross theory is a great starting point, it’s okay if your grief looks different. Kubler-Ross’s research was on patients on their deathbeds. The expansion to include people who are grieving the loss of a loved one came after her initial research.
While the Kubler-Ross theory is still important and prevalent, grief varies depending on the person you lost, how you lost them, and individual factors.
So use these five stages of grief as they are helpful to you, but don’t worry if you experience something different from them.
Denial
The first stage of grief is denial. Denial might look like:
- A state of shock or numbness, like you can’t process what is happening.
- Belief that the person really isn’t dead and will come back in just a moment.
- Dissociation from the event, like you’re in a dream or watching it happen to someone else.
Denial is usually short-lasting, but longer-lasting symptoms of denial can include:
- Keeping their things exactly how they left them, long after they passed.
- Continue buying their favorite food or drink without eating it yourself.
- Avoiding any reminders of their death
These symptoms could be a sign of complicated grief, which is when symptoms of grief last longer than 6 months.
Grief is natural, but so is healing from grief. If you find yourself stuck in grief and unable to heal, talk to a therapist. The goal of grief therapy is not to make you forget your loved one, but to help you honor their memory while living a healthy, fulfilling life.
Anger
Once the reality of the situation hits you, you might get angry. The second stage of grief, anger, is a perfectly normal reaction. For example, you might,
- Be angry at yourself for not being able to stop it or not spending enough time with them.
- Be angry at others (like paramedics, other family members, or someone else.)
- Be angry at your lost loved one.
- Lash out at strangers.
- Become overly cynical or withdrawn.
Being angry is understandable. However, anger is a destructive emotion if left to fester. Moving through the anger is a way to honor your loved one by continuing to live a full life.
Bargaining
The bargaining stage of grief can be difficult to understand. It isn’t always easy to understand. For example, Bargaining can look like:
- Praying to be better or offer some personal sacrifice in exchange for their life back.
- If-Only statements: “If only we had gotten a second opinion, she would be okay.”
- Excessive rumination over what could have happened
- Making comparisons about your situation with others in a similar situation
Sometimes, people even bargain by going to excessive lengths to make sure something like that never happens again. A little different than traditional bargaining as described by Kubler-Ross, this type of bargaining may look like obsessively checking on your loved one’s health, spending all your money on research funds, or completely rearranging your life to prevent something similar from happening again.
Depression
Depression is the stage most people get stuck in. Symptoms of depression in grief include:
- Persistent sadness
- The urge to cry
- Feelings of emptiness, hopelessness, or despair
- Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed
- Fatigue or lack of energy
- Changes in sleep patterns (insomnia or oversleeping)
- Changes in appetite or weight (loss or gain)
- Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
- Feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt
- Social withdrawal or isolation from friends and family
- Physical symptoms like headaches, body aches, or digestive issues
- Thoughts of death or suicide
If you recognize these signs in your life, we recommend seeking therapy. Depression caused by grief can turn into Major Depressive Disorder. Therapy will help you learn healthy coping mechanisms so you can grieve in a way that is healthy.
Acceptance
The last stage of grief is acceptance.
Acceptance is not forgetting about your loved one, getting over their death, or moving on completely. A part of you will always grieve them, and that’s okay.
True acceptance is understanding that the person you loved very much is gone, but knowing that you can still love a happy, fulfilling life. The sadness may never go away; there will be moments in your life when you miss them fiercely. But with acceptance, you’re able to feel that pain and then continue on with love and happiness in your heart.
The goal of grief therapy is to get you to this stage. Together with a grief therapist, you’ll learn to accept the loss while finding ways to continuously honor your loved one.
When to Seek Help
Grief is natural. The solution to your pain should never be “don’t feel it” or “get over it”. Grief, like love, is meant to be felt.
When grief becomes dangerous is when it sticks around. Complicated grief is prolonged grief that is highly distressing and disruptive past what normal grief should be.
Complicated Grief can be diagnosed 6 months after someone has passed. People heal at different rates, but usually it takes between 6 months to 1 year to feel somewhat normal again.
(Your new normal might be different than what it once was. And you will still feel that grief from time to time. The difference between grief that is healing and grief that is stuck is if it disables you from living a full, healthy life.)
Signs you might need therapy for grief include:
- Your sadness or pain feels overwhelming and doesn’t lessen with time
- You feel stuck in your grief or unable to move forward
- You’re withdrawing from friends, family, or daily life
- You have trouble functioning at work, school, or home
- You experience intense guilt, anger, or regret related to the loss
- You find yourself avoiding reminders of your loved one entirely
- You feel numb, disconnected, or detached from reality
- You have changes in appetite, sleep, or energy levels that persist
- You feel hopeless or believe life has no meaning without your loved one
- You’re using alcohol, drugs, or other coping mechanisms to numb the pain
- You experience panic attacks, anxiety, or depression symptoms
- You have thoughts of self-harm or wish you could be with the person you lost
If you recognize these signs in yourself, contact Lifebulb. We have grief therapists who accept most major insurances and have little to no wait times. You can get matched with a grief therapist near you and see them within 7 days of calling.
