Jul 8, 2025
The Gottman Method is a popular and effective couples counseling method pioneered by doctors John and Julie Gottman. This highly effective method is geared towards stopping divorce and promoting long-lasting, healthy relationships.
One of the foundational teachings of the Gottman Method is that there are 4 factors that almost always predict divorce. These are known as the 4 horsemen of divorce, named after the biblical four horsemen of the apocalypse. These predictors of divorce are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
If you recognize any one of these in your relationship, it should be a wake-up call to make changes. It is possible to save your relationship, even if you have all four of these predictors. However, change must be made. So let’s take a look at the four horsemen of divorce and how to counteract them.
What Are the Four Horsemen of the Gottman Method?
The four horsemen of divorce are a theory pioneered by the Gottmans using research and observations in their practice. They found that of all the couples who divorced—around 50% in the U.S.—four factors were usually present in the relationships preceding the divorce. These were criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Once these four factors were present in a relationship, it became more difficult (but not impossible) to save it.
Fortunately, the Gottmans also found antidotes to the four horsemen. These were behaviors and skills that couples could implement to stop the four horsemen of divorce.
What Is the Gottman Method?
The Gottman Method is a couple and marriage counseling technique based on decades of research. It prioritizes open communication, strong friendship, and effective conflict management skills. Instead of trying to create the perfect relationship, the Gottman Method understands that all relationships will have conflict. The goal is not to rid a relationship of that conflict but to build a strong foundation and coping skills to combat that conflict as a couple. Counseling using the Gottman Method teaches relationships to think like “us against the world” instead of “us against each other”.
Criticism
Criticism involves attacking the character of your partner, rather than addressing specific behaviors or issues. Sometimes, a behavior needs to be addressed. For example, if your partner continually does not do the dishes, that’s not something that should just be ignored. If it is, resentment can grow and quickly poison the relationship. However, criticism will quickly put your partner in a defensive position and conversations can derail into conflict and argument. A critical attack would sound like “You’re so lazy.”
Antidote: Be specific and use a gentle start-up. A “gentle startup” is a way to bring a general complaint into the conversation without attacking someone’s character. It avoids the word “you” and instead reframes complaints with “I”. A gentle startup may also remind the person of previous conversation and provide some explanation for why the critique is occurring.
Examples:
- “We had agreed yesterday that you would do the dishes today, and I’m feeling hurt that they’re not done.”
- “I feel like I’m doing a lot of the housework this weekend, and we had agreed to do it together.”
- “We’re a little tight on money right now, so maybe we can look at our budget and work on saving more.”
- “I’ve been really swamped with taking care of the kids and feel like I’m not getting any help from you.”
- "I feel unheard when we have disagreements, and I would like us to find a way to communicate better."
Using “I statements” isn’t a free pass to say whatever you want. “I feel like you’re being irrational.” is not the best way to start a conversation. Instead, try to state how you feel, be specific about their behaviors, and explain your reasoning behind the complaint. Communication, even negative feedback, is important for a healthy relationship.
Contempt
Contempt is characterized by expressing disrespect, mockery, or disdain towards your partner. This behavior can poison a relationship. It goes beyond dislike and into disregard. You don’t have any respect for your partner or what they do. You might feel angry, let down, and frustrated with them more often than not. Eventually, this can turn into feeling like nothing they do makes you happy.
Antidote: Focus on building empathy and showing appreciation for your partner's perspective. Practicing gratitude and active listening can help foster a sense of respect and understanding. This can be done in small ways, too! Express appreciation for small things and try to give small things in return. This could look like taking out the trash without asking, picking up their favorite snack at the grocery store, or making their coffee while you make them in the morning.
You don’t have to fix contempt all at once. Instead, focus on cultivating more meaningful and positive interactions.
Defensiveness
Defensiveness occurs when one partner feels attacked and responds by deflecting blame or making excuses. Defensiveness can look like excuses and trying to shift the blame to someone else. Examples of defensiveness include: “You’re being so dramatic.” or “Why won’t you trust me. You have serious trust issues.” or. “I’m just so exhausted lately, so I haven’t had time to do the chores we talked about.”
Defensiveness can be a maladaptive coping mechanism for uncomfortable feelings and confrontations. Although this is understandable, it's not a healthy way to deal with these situations. Instead, we need an antidote.
Antidote:
The antidote for defensiveness is to simply take responsibility for your part in conflicts. The Gottman Method teaches couples to approach issues with openness and a willingness to engage in constructive dialogue. You don’t have to take the blame for everything—that wouldn’t be helpful for either of you! Instead, learn to take responsibility for your share of issues and hold your partner to the same expectations.
For example:
- “I’ve been really tired lately, and I’ve been dropping the ball on my share of the chores. I’m sorry, I’ll start doing them before I go to work.”
- “I get really anxious when we fight and I shut down and stop talking. This isn’t a productive way to deal with conflict, and I’m sorry. Could we try taking breaks when arguments get heated?”
- “I like feeling in control, but you’re right and I should let you lead more. What would you like to do tonight?”
It’s okay if you disagree with each other. Remember that the goal of the Gottman Method isn’t to have a conflict-free relationship but to work through conflict healthily.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling involves withdrawing from conversations or shutting down emotionally during conflicts. This behavior can hinder effective communication and emotional connection. Although it is an understandable defense mechanism for high stress and intense emotions, it is not a helpful reaction and can deteriorate the relationship over time.
Antidote:
One way to address stonewalling is to work on yourself and how you respond to stress. An individual therapist can help with this. Stonewalling can be a result of past trauma. Still, it’s not an excuse to shut down during necessary, hard conversations. To address stonewalling, it's crucial to learn healthy ways to take breaks during disagreements and communicate the need for time to process emotions. Creating a safe environment for both partners to express themselves can build trust and resilience in the relationship.
Try the Gottman Method in Couples Therapy
If you think these techniques would be helpful for your relationships, try talking with a couples and marriage therapist. A therapist trained in the Gottman method can help your relationship work through conflict and provide the skills you need to do so on your own.
Lifebulb has licensed marriage and couples therapists who can help you and your relationship thrive. Contact our team today or browse our therapist directory to find a therapist that you match with.
