We all have things we aren’t great at. Maybe we never learned them, or they’re intimidating, or we’re just not that great at them. Part of why having a partner is great is to bridge those gaps between their competence and yours. One person’s weakness might just be another’s strength, and together you can help each other thrive. . . right?
Unfortunately, this equal contribution of skills to a partnership isn’t always the case. Some people choose to stay bad at things because they know that if they don’t do it, somebody else will do it for them.
Weaponized Incompetence is the behavior of claiming you don’t know how to do something (usually something basic, like household chores or cleaning up) and therefore can’t do it. Unlike true incompetence, which is a skill issue, weaponized incompetence is malicious in its intent. The goal of weaponized incompetence is to get someone else to do the task, so they don’t have to.
This article will go over what weaponized incompetence is, how to spot it, and how to shut it down.
What Is Weaponized Incompetence?
Weaponized incompetence is when someone demonstrates an inability to finish a task, and requires other people to finish their work or take on more work to make up for it.
It is usually discussed in the context of relationships. For example, one partner never does the dishes because they don’t know how, leaving the other to always do it for them.
However, it’s also common in the workplace between coworkers. For example, one coworker claims they can’t finish a project because they don’t understand the software, forcing others to do it for them.
Weaponized incompetence isn’t always conscious. It’s similar to learned helplessness, which can occur as a trauma response and is largely unconscious. This doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it does make it easier to learn to stop the behavior and heal the root problem.
Is Weaponized Incompetence a Form of Gaslighting?
When weaponized incompetence is conscious, it could be considered a form of gaslighting. It would definitely be considered manipulation, since conscious weaponized incompetence is literally the manipulation of others and the situation to get what they want (no more work).
Especially when present with other manipulative behaviors, weaponized incompetence can be a big red flag that a relationship is unhealthy and possibly abusive.
If you suspect manipulation or abuse in your relationships, get in touch with someone you trust to make a safety plan. You can also use a hotline or talk to your therapist.
How to Tell if Someone is Using Weaponized Incompetence
It can be hard to tell when someone is using weaponized incompetence and when they really don’t know how to do something. Here are some ways you can tell if someone is using weaponized incompetence:
- They consistently "mess up" simple tasks: They do chores or responsibilities so poorly or incorrectly that someone else ends up redoing them.
- They act confused about basic responsibilities: They claim not to understand tasks that they’ve done before or that are straightforward.
- They avoid learning or improving: Despite repeated opportunities, they show no effort to get better at the task.
- They exaggerate how difficult the task is: They make the job sound harder than it is to justify why they can’t do it.
- They use incompetence to shift responsibility: They know someone else will eventually step in and take over, so they don’t have to try.
- They play helpless when asked to help: They act like they’re incapable, confused, or need constant hand-holding.
- They only struggle with inconvenient or undesirable tasks: They perform well in other areas, but suddenly become “clueless” when it comes to things like cleaning, childcare, or planning.
- They never take initiative: They only participate when directly asked—and even then, their effort is minimal.
- They make jokes or sarcastic comments about being bad at the task: Humor is sometimes used to downplay or excuse poor performance.
- Their incompetence benefits them: Ultimately, they’re off the hook and someone else ends up doing the work, reinforcing the pattern.
Take into account how they respond when you offer to teach them, and if their level of skill makes sense for their age and position. For example, if you’re fresh out of high school and your roommates always leave dishes in the sink, it could be weaponized incompetence, or it could be that they’ve never had to do the dishes before and honestly don’t know how. On the first few occasions, approach the situation with empathy and offer to help them learn. If they respond poorly or the situation continues, consider some of the strategies below to shut down weaponized incompetence.
Examples of Weaponized Incompetence
Some examples of weaponized incompetence include:
- A partner “accidentally” put a knitted sweater in the dryer, because they “don’t know how to do laundry.” They apologize, but the apology is full of self-deprecating jokes, and they don’t make any effort to learn how to do laundry correctly.
- One person says they “don’t know how to cook” but makes no effort to learn, leaving all meal prep to their partner.
- A parent claims they “don’t know how to change diapers properly,” so the other parent always does it.
- Someone always “forgets” the grocery list or buys the wrong items, so they won’t be asked to shop again.
- A partner claims they can’t remember important dates like birthdays or anniversaries, even after reminders. They make no effort to find workarounds, like setting reminders and timers on their phone.
- An employee constantly submits poorly formatted reports so someone else takes over the task.
- A coworker says they’re “not good with spreadsheets” to avoid data-related tasks, even though it’s part of their role.
- Someone “messes up” the coffee order repeatedly so they’re never asked to do it again.
- A team member delays completing tasks until others step in to finish the work.
- A colleague claims they “just don’t understand the meeting software,” so others always set up calls or take notes.
- A coworker or partner claims that “You’re just so much better at it than I am,” to convince you to do it instead.
- Although they agree to do it, they ask so many questions during the task that you have to help them through every step and basically end up doing it yourself anyway.
Weaponized Incompetence can happen in any situation. An isolated event may be true incompetence, or they were having a bad day and didn’t know how to communicate their needs. Look for patterns of this behavior and address them as they come up.
How Can I Shut Down Weaponized Incompetence?
It’s not just an isolated event. You’ve noticed patterns of weaponized incompetence across your relationship (whether romantic or professional). You’ve tried teaching them how or talking to them about taking more of their share of the responsibilities, and you’re met with either empty apologies and excuses or promises to try to be better, only for them to never try again at the task.
It’s time to stop engaging in this behavior and start shutting it down. Here are some ways to shut down weaponized incompetence:
- Have an honest conversation about it: If you haven’t already, bring up what you’ve been noticing. List the behaviors and tell them how they make you feel. Listen to their response. Do they express an honest desire to learn how to do these tasks? Offer to teach them, or give them some resources that will help them learn.
- Address underlying mental health issues: If they are struggling with depression, anxiety, ADHD, or other mental health issues, then they might honestly want to get better but feel stuck. In this case, try to have empathy with boundaries. Give them a list of goals and ask them how you can support them in accomplishing them. Would an accountability buddy or reminder help? Maybe encouragement or a tracking sheet. These are support aids that can help someone struggling with their mental health. In this case, the weaponized incompetence is most likely not malicious or purposefully manipulative.
- Set clear boundaries and expectations: Divide up the tasks. Make it very clear what you expect them to accomplish and what you expect yourself to accomplish. Let them know that you will not be helping them accomplish their tasks. Remember to divide these tasks according to skill and expertise. Maybe cleaning really isn’t their thing, but they would be okay with picking up the kids or grocery shopping.
- Enforce boundaries: When they don't uphold their end of the deal and continue to not accomplish tasks, what are you going to do? Communicate this beforehand, and then act on it. For example, if their job was to start the laundry and they don’t, it might mean letting the laundry pile up, or only doing your own clothes. Whatever you do, make sure you communicate it beforehand. For example, “I will cook and do the dishes if you put the laundry in at the start of every week. If you don’t, then I will start by only putting my laundry in.”
- Stay calm: If you need to enforce boundaries, they may retaliate. If they are using weaponized incompetence as a manipulation tactic, it’s common for them to escalate their behavior or other manipulation techniques to try and get you back under their control. Stay calm and have a safety plan should things escalate further.
- Get help: If issues continue, talk about seeing a couples counselor. If they refuse, seeing an individual therapist can help you handle the stress of the situation and get clarity on what you need to do. If it’s a work situation, bring it up to HR or your boss. Don’t forget to lean on your support system and have a safety plan should things escalate.
If you’ve been dealing with weaponized incompetence, you know how exhausting and frustrating it can be. Don’t let the issues fester any longer. Talk to a therapist near you. Lifebulb offers online therapy, accepts most insurances, and has little to no wait times. We also have online couples counselors, so you can work on your relationship from the comfort of your home or the ease of your office.
Contact our team to learn more, or browse therapists near you using our directory.
