How many relationships have ended with something like, “Why won’t you just let me in?” or “I feel like I don’t even know you!”
It’s a terrifying thing to be known. To have someone understand you, you have to let them see you. And if they see you, they could very well judge you.
This fear of judgment often leads to a lack of vulnerability in a relationship. Without vulnerability, a relationship will starve. Being open and vulnerable is the oxygen a relationship needs to grow and survive challenges.
If vulnerability is so important, why is it so hard? If you struggle with being vulnerable, you’re not alone. This article will give you some practical steps on how to be vulnerable.
What Does Being Vulnerable Mean?
Maybe you’ve been told you need to open up more all your life. But what does that even mean?
Merriam-Webster Dictionary describes vulnerability as the state of being exposed to harm, either physically, mentally, or emotionally.
So to be vulnerable is to open yourself up to the possibility of harm. That’s frightening! Your brain wants to keep you safe, so it makes sense if you feel like it’s hard to open up.
Still, trusting others is a key part of healthy relationships. When done healthily, vulnerability will look like:
- Expressing your true feelings, even when it feels uncomfortable
- Admitting fears, insecurities, or doubts
- Asking for reassurance or support when you need it
- Being honest about your needs, boundaries, and desires
- Sharing past experiences, including painful or embarrassing ones
- Taking responsibility for your mistakes without defensiveness
- Allowing your partner to see you during moments of sadness or stress
- Communicating openly during conflict instead of shutting down or withdrawing
Outside of a relationship, vulnerability can also mean:
- Asking for a raise
- Dressing nicely
- Smiling at a stranger
- Being vocal about your likes and dislikes
- Voicing your opinion
If there is a chance of rejection and you still do it, then you’re being vulnerable.
Why Is Vulnerability in Relationships Important?
Vulnerability is far from a useless exercise. It is vital for any healthy, long-lasting relationship. Vulnerability:
- Builds emotional intimacy and deepens connection.
- Strengthens trust by allowing both partners to be authentic.
- Improves communication and reduces misunderstandings.
- Creates a safe space for honest needs, feelings, and repair after conflict.
- Helps partners grow together instead of hiding behind defensiveness or fear.
Vulnerability is the force that allows you to grow together.
How to Be Vulnerable
“That sounds nice,” you might think, “But I just can’t get myself to open up.”
Wanting to be vulnerable and practicing vulnerability in a relationship are two different things. Let’s take a look at a few easy ways to be vulnerable in your relationship today.
- Talk about how you want to be more vulnerable: Believe it or not, talking about vulnerability is being vulnerable! Tell your partner that you want to try being more open with them. Explain why it’s hard and what your fears are. Tell them how they can best help you.
- Talk about your fears. What are you afraid of happening within the relationship? Your career? Your life? Who are you afraid of becoming?
- Talk about your dreams. Where do you hope you and your partner end up? What do you want to accomplish in your life?
- Talk about what happened in the past. This could be trauma, but it could also be good memories.
- Talk about how you feel about them. Do you want this to go long-term? Are you afraid you’re drifting apart?
- Tell them when you’re scared, excited, sad, or happy. This doesn’t have to be a long conversation. Simply note what you’re feeling and let them know.
- Talk about something that excites you. What are those hobbies or special interests that you’re always a little embarrassed to talk about? Try talking about those! Vulnerability doesn’t have to be emotionally-charged; simply being yourself takes vulnerability and courage.
Tips to be more vulnerable:
- Take it slow: You don’t have to jump into trauma dumping. Start by telling them how you feel.
- Practice after care: You might feel exposed and scared after you’re vulnerable. Explain to your partner what you need to feel safe again. It might be closing back up for a little while, and that’s okay. Slowly increase the amount of time you are vulnerable with the.
- Use healthy coping skills: Before and after being vulnerable, use coping skills to regulate your emotions. Remember that to be vulnerable means to expose yourself to hurt, so you might be in fight or flight mode when you are vulnerable. To prevent any unintended actions (like yelling at your partner, storming away, or saying something you don’t mean), make sure you enter conversations with well-regulated emotions.
When vulnerability is met with active listening, compassion, and reciprocated vulnerability, great things can happen. Conflict management, communication, and intimacy can all increase.
Relationship Therapy for Couples Who Struggle with Vulnerability
If you struggle with vulnerability, there might be a deeper reason. Causes of vulnerability issues include:
- Trauma: Trauma, PTSD, and cPTSD make trusting people difficult. Without trust, vulnerability becomes much, much harder.
- Insecure attachment styles: Anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment styles are all insecure attachment styles that will make true vulnerability hard.
- Past relationship hurt: If you’ve been hurt in a relationship before, you’ll be less inclined to put yourself in a situation where something similar can happen again.
- Modelled behavior: If growing up, you were told to never cry or show your emotions, you’ll be less likely to do so as an adult. Unlearning those taught behaviors takes time.
All of these reasons and more can make vulnerability more difficult. Working through these issues in therapy can help.
A good therapist can help you overcome past traumas, work through insecure attachment styles, and unlearn unhealthy behavior.
Plus, you can practice vulnerability in a therapy session. Good therapy requires openness and vulnerability. It might take a while, but practicing these skills with your therapist will help you eventually apply them in real life.
To be scheduled with a therapist near you, contact Lifebulb. We accept most major insurances and have little to no wait times.
