Resentment is one of the quickest killers of relationships.
Do you look at your spouse and feel instantly irritated? Do negative interactions with them play on a loop in your mind? Do small mistakes and minor nuisances drive you up the wall?
You might be feeling resentful towards your partner. What began as tender feelings of love and care has hardened into feelings of anger, bitterness, and disappointment.
Resentment is more common than you may think. Many couples don’t know how to deal with it, and resentment turns into contempt, one of the 4 Horsemen of Divorce that the Gottman Method predicts will end relationships.
Fortunately, once resentment has been spotted in a relationship, it is possible to heal from it. It will take expert communication, empathy, and a shared goal towards healing.
This article will give you tips on recognizing resentment in a relationship and resolving it.
What Is Resentment?
Your spouse always forgets to take the trash out. It used to be a minor inconvenience, and at times, you’ve even joked about it with them. But lately, just the sight of that overflowing trash can fills you with rage.
“I’ve asked you a hundred times,” you snap at them before work one day, “Why can’t you take out the trash?”
Just because something is small doesn’t mean it’s not a big deal. Resentment is often the result of many small, minor nuisances building up over time.
When these minor conflicts aren’t addressed, they can collect like a thick grime. Eventually, the relationship will stop working altogether.
Will Resentment Go Away On Its Own?
No. Resentment will worsen if left alone.
Think of resentment like the fire alarms going off for your relationship. Before the alarm even went off, you probably smelled some smoke. You might have seen a few flames. Now, the alarms are going off, and it’s do or die: You have to resolve the resentment, or it’ll burn the relationship to the ground.
Signs of Resentment
Don’t ignore these signs of resentment. They are signs of unresolved anger, disappointment, and unmet needs. Catching resentment early on can help you save the relationship.
- You’re irritated by everything your partner does: You’re annoyed by the small things that didn't bother you, like how their socks never quite make it into the laundry hamper. You’re also annoyed by the things that used to never annoy you at all, or a joke they always make.
- You hate being touched by them: You used to crave being physically close to them, but now you shy away from their presence. You cringe at a hand hold, and you can’t remember the last time you cuddled.
- You’re both being passive-aggressive: Sarcasm, the silent treatment, and other signs of passive aggressiveness can be warning signs that resentment is growing.
- You keep a score of rights and wrongs: You’re mentally tracking who did what wrong or who “owes” more in a relationship. Your list might span back years.
- You hold on to grudges: You can’t forgive them, even for the most minor of trespasses.
- You’re bitter at their happiness: Where you once might have celebrated with your partner at their success, now you feel irritated or jealous when something good happens to them.
- You haven’t had a solid conversation in a long time: Communication is the bedrock of any relationship. “Marriage is a long conversation” is a common phrase. If you find your conversations with your partner lacking depth, intentionality, and vulnerability, it could be a sign of resentment.
- There are more things that you can’t talk about than things that you can: You used to be able to spend hours talking to each other. Now you have a mental list of topics not to bring up, because they cause conflict.
- Constant conflict: There’s constant bickering, arguing, and fighting. Small verbal jabs delivered throughout the day and big explosive arguments are both signs of resentment.
- You feel trapped: A relationship should be a safe space, a refuge. If you feel like you need to get away from your relationship, that you made a huge mistake with it, or that your life is over now because you’re with them, then it could be a sign of resentment.
Important note about domestic abuse: Resentment is very different from emotional abuse and manipulation. Healing resentment cannot heal abuse. Seek help if you are in a dangerous situation. Text “Start” to 88788 to reach the domestic abuse hotline, or call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Resentment isn’t a relationship death sentence. It is possible to come back from it, but it takes conscious effort. Once you recognize these signs, it’s important to start working towards healing with your partner.
Causes of Resentment
Nobody wakes up suddenly resenting their partner. It is a slow build over time. Common causes of resentment include:
- Unmet needs: If you feel chronically unloved in a relationship, you might start to resent it. If it’s been years since you had a good date and your love language is quality time, then it makes sense that you start to feel heavily disappointed and annoyed at your partner. It can feel like they don’t care about you.
- Too many broken promises: A relationship is built on trust. Trust can be broken all at once in big, heartbreaking ways, like with infidelity. Or it can be broken through a thousand small cracks, like telling your partner you’ll be home at 6 but then not showing up at 8. Promising to take them on a date that they then have to plan for themselves. Promising to take the kids to the park, but playing video games instead. These are small broken promises that can lead to resentment.
- Bad communication: Not being able to communicate your thoughts, emotions, and grievances to the other person can put a huge block in your relationship. You’re not able to fully connect with one another, and that can lead to resentment in a relationship.
- Feeling undervalued: Resentment can spawn from feeling like your responsibilities are unevenly matched. The most commonly used example is a stay-at-home parent feeling undervalued by their working spouse, who doesn’t see the countless hours of work they put in at home raising kids.
- Feeling taken advantage of: Similar to feeling undervalued, if you feel like your partner is taking advantage of you, resentment can follow. For example, if you’re always there for your partner emotionally but they’re never there for you, then it can start to feel like they only are with you because of how good you make them feel.
Resentment is not a comfortable emotion for either partner. If you recognize the signs of resentment, take steps now to heal.
How to Resolve Resentment
Healing from resentment is possible, but you have to do it together. Simply choosing to forgive them and move on without having a conversation won’t work now. Something has to change in the relationship.
Here are some steps to resolve resentment. Sit down with your partner (and a couples therapist, if you want) and work through these questions:
Identify Unmet Expectations and Needs
What do you want out of the relationship that you aren’t getting? What unspoken expectations aren’t being met? For example:
- I need to have intentional, one-on-one time with you every day.
- I expect you to do your chores without me having to ask.
- I need to hear that you love me.
- I expect you to listen to me when I’m excited about something, just like how I do for you.
Your needs and expectations might be at odds with each other. This is where you can compromise. A couples therapist is a good resource to help with compromising.
Hold Yourself Accountable
Resolving resentment is not about evening the score or proving that you are right. It’s a time to air all those grudges you’ve been holding on to, but the goal is not to make your partner feel guilty or prove that you are right. Instead, the goal is to come together to solve the problem.
Sometimes, that means addressing your own problem behavior. For example,
- “I’d love to show you more attention, but sometimes it seems like you don’t even want me to touch you.”
- “I’ve been working late so much because I’m trying to save up for our house. I thought that was important to you.”
- “I shut down when you use that tone with me.”
Conflicts are often complicated, and no one is completely right or wrong. Allowing yourself to accept criticism and strive to do better for your partner is important in healing from resentment.
Practice Empathy
Your partner doesn’t have the same experience as you. They don’t have the same emotions, triggers, or memories. This means that on some level, you’re experiencing the relationship differently.
Neither partner’s way of experiencing the relationship is wrong. Just different. Having empathy for your partner’s experience will allow room for love to grow once again.
Establish Boundaries
Sometimes, a relationship just needs boundaries. Healthy boundaries can help couples mitigate tension points.
For example, “I need 10 minutes after waking up before having a conversation about daily chores.”
Respecting that boundary can lead to more fruitful conversations about chores, because both partners are in a place where they can be receptive to each other.
Find Ways to Love One Another
What will grow in the place of resentment? If it’s going to be love, then you have to start loving each other again.
Go on dates! Buy each other little gifts. Complement each other’s outfits. Hold hands. Ask about their day. Use their love language.
All those little things you did at the start of the relationship that may have fizzled out by now– do them now. And do them with the intention of love.
Talk to a Couples Therapist
Healing from resentment in a marriage is difficult. Doing it with a couple's therapist can make it a little easier.
A couples therapist can help prevent conflicts from breaking out and help you navigate fights that do occur. They can provide a neutral third-party observation. They can help you learn healthy coping skills and fine-tune your communication so you’re saying what you actually mean.
Couples therapists have a high success rate– around 70%.
Lifebulb has licensed couples therapists with availability today. Contact our team or browse our list of marriage counselors to find someone who fits your needs.
Don’t wait to address resentment. Take a step towards love today.
