Why Do People Cheat?

Why Do People Cheat?

People cheat for many different reasons. Some people may be at more of a risk for cheating because of past experience or mental illness, which we’ll discuss below. In general, here are the top reasons someone may cheat:

• Dissatisfaction in a relationship: One of the biggest motivators to cheat is feeling unfulfilled in a relationship. Maybe it’s the emotional intimacy that’s lacking or the physical intimacy, but, regardless, something is missing that they try to find through an affair. 
• Feeling unloved: Feeling unloved in a relationship can be exceptionally painful, and someone may cheat as a way to find an outlet for that. In this case, cheating may be a “cry for help” or a way to communicate (badly) to their partner what they are feeling. People who cheat because they feel unloved usually find it difficult to express their emotions, thoughts, and needs to their partner. 
• Lack of long-term commitment: Sometimes, people cheat because they just aren’t that committed to a relationship or because the boundaries of the relationship were not clearly defined, like in a situationship. When you are committed to a partner who cheats for this reason, it can be a very painful experience to realize you have different ideas of what this relationship will be. 
• Boredom or feeling trapped in a routine: Studies show that older people are actually more likely to cheat than younger people. There are many reasons to this, one being that they find themselves bored or feeling trapped in a long-term relationship. 
• Low self-esteem: People with low self-esteem may feel like by cheating they’re proving that they still have what it takes to be desirable. Cheating may be a way for them to boost their own self-esteem. 
• Revenge: Someone may cheat as a way of getting back at a partner who wronged them. Maybe they cheated first or suspected an affair, or maybe there was an argument or disagreement that spiraled. 
• Desire for attention from their partner: Another reason someone may cheat is because they want more attention from their partner and don’t know how to ask for it in a healthy way, so they act out, hoping to at least get negative attention. 
• Unfulfilled sexual desires: It’s hard for people to talk about what they really need from their partner for intimacy. Many people still find sexual intimacy a taboo to talk about. It can be difficult to be vulnerable, but talking about your physical needs and fantasies is an important part of monogamous relationships that are physically intimate.  

Cheating is often a bad form of communication. You may have noticed the patterns that arose out of the reasons people cheat above. Affairs are likely to serve three purposes:

1. A cry for help: If a person is dissatisfied or hurting in their relationship, they may use cheating as a way to communicate that. An unhealthy coping mechanism and communication skill, cheating is not an effective way of communicating hurt emotions or unfulfilled desires. 
2. A way out of the relationship: Breaking up with someone is hard, so some people may cheat as a way to avoid that conversation altogether. They may not even acknowledge their desire to end the relationship to themselves, instead self-sabotaging the relationship through cheating. 
3. The relationship never meant much to them to begin with: Sometimes, two partners were on different pages. This is more likely to occur in newer relationships, situationships, or ones with fluctuating boundaries. If someone is not sure on the commitment levels or thinks it was just a fling, they may be more likely to cheat. 

Cheating is never an appropriate response or way to communicate. All of the issues discussed above could be mitigated through open and honest conversation. 

Who Is Most Likely to Cheat?

Although research into cheating can be biased, since most of it relies on self-reported cheating and therefore likely skews lower than the actual amount, most research concludes that men are more likely than women to cheat. 20% of men and 13% of women cheat, according to the General Social Survey. 

Older people are also more likely to cheat than younger people. 

There are certain risk factors that may put someone at a higher risk of starting an affair. These are:

• Substance abuse
• Insecure attachment styles
• Having a parent who had an affair
• Mental illness (such as a personality disorder or bipolar disorder)
• Childhood trauma
• Sex addictions

It’s also worth noting that someone who cheated in the past is three times more likely to cheat again, according to one study. 

These risk factors do not guarantee cheating. Having an affair is always a conscious, and therefore avoidable, choice. 

Is it Possible to Heal from Infidelity?

Yes. Many couples heal from infidelity. These cases are more likely to be ones where the affair was a cry for help; there was something wrong with the foundation of a relationship, and the cheating was a symptom. (This does not make the cheating right.)

The ability to heal from an affair relies on both parties. The victim of cheating must be willing to fully heal and not hold resentment and the perpetrator must make a strong commitment to never do so again. 

Although it is difficult, healing from cheating is entirely possible. Many couples find a therapist to be helpful with this. Lifebulb has online couples and marriage therapists who have experience with helping couples heal from cheating. Contact our team to learn more or browse our list of couples therapists near you to find someone who fits your needs. 

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