With the rise of technology in the dating world, there are now more ways than ever to get away with not committing to someone. “Ghosting”—in which one person stops responding to someone else altogether, effectively leaving their life without any explanation— is the most common way of getting out of a commitment fast. “Monkey Branching” is also very common, in which someone in a relationship will form an emotional connection with someone outside of it before leaving their current relationship.
A relatively new term has risen that is all too familiar to any people trying to date: Breadcrumbing.
Breadcrumbing is the behavior of leading someone on through minor affirmations and communication without ever expecting to form a real relationship with that person.
What Is Breadcrumbing?
Breadcrumbing provides false hope that a relationship is possible when, in reality, the person breadcrumbing has no intention of ever committing to anything serious. It is effectively leading someone on, and has become much easier to do in today’s digital age.
Today, breadcrumbing takes place on social media channels. Liking posts, commenting on stories, or replying to messages just enough to remind you that they are still there, but never taking that step to become something real in the real world, is a common example of breadcrumbing.
You might be a victim of this new trend if you recognize these signs of breadcrumbing in your interactions:
- Inconsistent Communication: Breadcrumbers often send sporadic messages or engage in on-and-off communication, keeping you guessing about their level of interest.
- Mixed Signals: They may give you mixed signals, such as showing intermittent affection or interest, followed by long periods of silence or disengagement.
- Lack of Commitment: Breadcrumbers avoid making concrete plans or commitments for the future, leaving you feeling uncertain about the status and direction of the relationship.
- Stringing Along: They keep you on the hook with vague promises or future plans that never materialize, making you feel hopeful but ultimately disappointed.
- Emotional Rollercoaster: Breadcrumbing can lead to emotional ups and downs, as you oscillate between feeling hopeful and frustrated due to the inconsistent behavior of the breadcrumber.
You can be breadcrumbed in the real world and the virtual one. They might be someone that you know in-person or they might be someone you met on a dating app or via social media. Whether or not the relationship is physical or virtual, breadcrumbing is a way for the perpetrator to keep you close. You might feel reluctant to engage in other relationships out of fear of missing out on this one. You might also feel a sense of obligation because the boundaries of what the relationship is are incredibly blurred. Is it a situationship? Are you talking? Or are you just exchanging texts and likes every now and again?
This is the danger of breadcrumbing: It provides no real boundaries and therefore no real ground rules. You’re left wondering “what if I leave” and “what if I stay” at the same time.
Why Do People Use Breadcrumbing?
Are all people who use breadcrumbing doing so out of nefarious intentions? No, although some may, which we’ll get into below. Breadcrumbing is often a bad coping mechanism and a way to avoid uncomfortable emotions like being alone or unwanted or having to confront someone.
Reasons people may breadcrumb include:
- Fear of Commitment: Some individuals may struggle with committing to a relationship due to past experiences or fear of getting hurt or abandonment issues, leading them to breadcrumb as a way to keep someone interested without fully committing.
- Avoiding Confrontation: Breadcrumbing can be a way for individuals to avoid difficult conversations or confrontation about their true feelings or intentions, allowing them to maintain a connection without facing uncomfortable truths.
- Seeking Validation: People who breadcrumb may be seeking validation or attention from others to feel good about themselves, using intermittent communication to keep others interested and boost their self-esteem.
- Uncertainty or Confusion: In some cases, individuals may genuinely feel uncertain about their feelings or the direction of a relationship, leading them to breadcrumb as a way to buy time and figure out their emotions.
- Maintaining Options: Breadcrumbing can also be a way for someone to keep their options open by keeping multiple people interested simultaneously, without committing to any one person.
People with low self-esteem or who are afraid of being alone may breadcrumb in order to alleviate those uncomfortable feelings. While this is understandable, it’s not a healthy coping mechanism and can result in intensifying behaviors and emotions.
Examples of Breadcrumbing
It can be hard to spot breadcrumbing. When it is breadcrumbing and when are they just bad at communicating? The line can be hard to know, but here are some examples to help you understand:
- Responding to texts just enough to keep the conversation going but never responding to asks to hang out.
- Commenting on or liking social media posts but never interacting in person
- Constantly flirting with you but never making a move to hang out again or talk about it.
- Making ambiguous plans and then cancelling or never falling through. (Example: “We should totally hang out sometime!” but then never making an effort to make plans.)
- Disappearing for long periods of time and then popping up again like nothing happened
Basically, a breadcrumber will put in the bare minimum effort to keep you engaged with them, but will never make any effort to further the relationship.
If you’re being breadcrumbed, you are likely the person who is always reaching out to them. You will be the one initiating hang outs and asking how they've been. After initiating contact they may respond back, but if you were to let that relationship go by not initiating anything, then it will probably fizzle out.
Do Narcissists Use Breadcrumbing?
Is breadcrumbing toxic? Yes. It isn’t always intentional, but that doesn’t mean it is anything but a red flag.
Sometimes, however, it is intentional and a way to manipulate and control you. Narcissists, those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, will often use breadcrumbing as a way to do just that. By breadcrumbing you they ensure that you will still be interested should they ever need you. Narcissists feed off the attention of others, so doing the bare minimum to keep you engaged is the type of control mechanisms they will use.
What to Do If Someone Is Breadcrumbing You
If you’ve read this article and have realized that you’re being breadcrumbed, what can you do? Do you address it or maybe ghost them yourself? We don’t recommend ghosting someone who is breadcrumbing, as this can perpetuate these toxic behaviors. Instead, follow these steps when you realize you’re being breadcrumbed:
- Acknowledge it. Name the experience and allow that to shape your understanding of what was happening. They were probably never really into you, not the way you were into them. They may not have cared as much as you thought. This will hurt, and allow yourself to feel that hurt.
- Confront them, if you want. You don’t have to confront the person breadcrumbing you, although we do recommend closing up the relationship. If you choose to confront them, be honest and clear about your experience. For example, “I feel like you are leading me on, and that really hurts.”
- End the relationship. Realistically, you can’t keep a relationship built on breadcrumbing because there was no relationship to begin with. We recommend you provide an explanation to the other person before you end the relationship. For example, “I feel like we want different things and it would be best if we went our separate ways.” Or “I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, but I need someone who will be more engaged with me.”
- Don’t fall back into it. It’s possible they may resort to love bombing in order to draw you back into the relationship. This is when they flood you with affirmation and love. As enticing as this can be, remember that the love will die out as soon as you recommit to whatever scraps of a relationship they are offering you. Stay strong with your boundaries and walk away.
- Take care of yourself. Breadcrumbing, ghosting, and other modern tactics are exhausting, frustrating, and incredibly painful. You may feel like your trust was broken or unwanted. Whatever you are feeling, allow yourself to feel it fully. Practice self-care, lean on your community, and seek the support of a therapist to help you heal.
Breadcrumbing is a painful experience; there’s no denying that. If you need help moving forward from a bread crumbing experience or any painful dating experience, a therapist can help. A therapist can help you build your self-esteem, coping skills, and communication skills so you can avoid toxic relationships in the future and heal from the ones in the past.
Ready to talk to a therapist? Contact Lifebulb today. We have therapists near you who are available for sessions and accept most insurance plans.
