What is an example of retroactive jealousy?

Retroactive jealousy is when someone fixates on their partner's past relationships or experiences, feeling insecure, anxious, or upset about these previous connections. For example, feeling intense jealousy or distress over your partner's past romantic encounters or interactions.

Is retroactive jealousy toxic?

Yes, retroactive jealousy can be toxic as it may lead to feelings of insecurity, obsessive thoughts, and relationship strain. It can hinder trust, communication, and emotional well-being if not addressed and managed effectively.

How can I deal with a partner who has retroactive jealousy?

Approach your partner with empathy, understanding, and open communication. Encourage them to express their concerns and insecurities without judgment. Seek couples therapy to address underlying issues, build trust, and improve communication within the relationship.

Is retroactive jealousy a red flag?

While retroactive jealousy itself may not always be a red flag, persistent and intense feelings of jealousy that impact trust, communication, and overall relationship health may require attention and professional support to address underlying issues.

Why am I obsessed with my partner’s ex?

Obsessive thoughts about your partner's ex may stem from feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, or unresolved emotional issues. It's important to address these feelings through self-reflection, open communication with your partner, and seeking therapy to explore and work through these emotions. Remember, it's okay to seek help and support in navigating these complex emotions.

what is retroactive jealousy and how does it affect a relationship?

Jealousy is a common relationship problem and something you have probably had to navigate. Usually, jealousy happens in the moment, when your partner catches someone else's eye or that one coworker leans in a little too close when they talk to your partner.

Retroactive jealousy is different, in that it is focused on the past. Retroactive jealousy is being jealous of your partner’s previous relationships, even if their exes are no longer a part of their life.

Whether you’re easily jealous or not, jealousy is a normal part of a relationship. In small, manageable amounts, it is not harmful. In larger quantities, however, jealousy can tear a relationship apart. This article will go over what retroactive jealousy is, how to spot the signs, and how to stop being jealous before it ruins your relationship.

What Is Retroactive Jealousy?

Retroactive jealousy is the feeling of being jealous of your partner’s past relationships. Importantly, your partner’s exes are no longer in the picture, not even as friends or acquaintances.

(If you feel jealous of your partner's exes who are still interacting with your partner, it’s not called retroactive jealousy, just jealousy. You might need to have a conversation with your partner about setting healthy boundaries with their exes.)

Retroactive jealousy is common. Self-comparison can easily be translated to comparing yourself to your partner's exes. If you feel inadequate and threatened by them, retroactive jealousy can occur.

Even though retroactive jealousy is rooted in the past, it can have real negative effects on your current relationship. Understanding the signs of retroactive jealousy and taking the necessary steps to work through it are important for the health and longevity of the relationship.

Signs of Retroactive Jealousy

retroactive jealousy definition

Retroactive jealousy can slowly deteriorate the trust in a relationship, which can be hard to win back. Signs of retroactive jealousy include:

Constantly asking questions about your partner’s exes
Obsessively checking their exes' social media accounts
Comparing yourself to the exes, often out loud to your partner to gauge their reaction
Making “you wish I was them” comments
Invading your partner’s privacy in search of more information about their past relationships (journals, picture albums, etc.)
Contacting your partner’s old friends to learn more about their past relationships
Make sarcastic comments about your partner’s exes
Imagine scenarios of your partner leaving you for their ex
Accusing your partner of cheating with their ex, even if it’s not true

These signs can range from mild to severe breaches of privacy and obsessive behavior. If you are struggling with jealousy, talk to your partner about it sooner rather than later. Together you can work through it.

What Is the Root Cause of Retroactive Jealousy?

Retroactive jealousy is caused by many of the same things regular jealousy is caused by, which can include:

You may also be more prone to relationship jealousy if you experience mental health conditions like:

It’s important to note that jealousy is not a mental health condition and can occur in people without underlying mental health conditions.

Is There a Link Between Retroactive Jealousy and OCD?

In some cases, retroactive jealousy can be a symptom of relationship OCD (R-OCD), a specific subtype of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder characterized by obsessions about a relationship. These obsessions can be about a partner’s love, attachment, trust, and fidelity. Retroactive jealousy can be a symptom of these types of obsessions. For example, someone with R-OCD may fixate on the thought of their partner leaving them for an ex, and one of their corresponding compulsions is to routinely check the ex’s social media.

Retroactive jealousy alone is not a cause for an OCD diagnosis, however. Other obsessions and compulsive behaviors must be present. If you think you might have OCD, talk to a medical professional or take our free, online OCD assessment to be screened for the risk of OCD.

How to Not Be Jealous

If you recognize these symptoms of retroactive jealousy in yourself, know there are ways to stop being jealous. Jealousy is a common, understandable emotion, and does not make you a bad partner.

Relationship problems can arise, however, when jealousy is allowed to fester. If you experience retroactive jealousy, don’t wait to talk to your partner or seek mental health help. A licensed therapist can help you work through jealousy.

You can also practice these coping strategies to stop jealousy and foster a healthier relationship with your partner. When you catch

Notice when you feel jealous: Jealousy can sneak up without you realizing it until you’re on your partner’s phone looking through old texts. Stop jealousy before it gets to this by noticing when the first embers of jealousy arise.
Take note of your triggers: Whenever you notice feeling jealous, take note of what immediately preceded the emotion. Was it something your partner said? A way someone acted around your partner? Write them down.
Ground yourself in the moment: To stop thoughts from spiraling into jealousy when you are triggered, practice mindfulness. This could be the 3-3-3 method, color scanning, or box breathing. (Read this guide for a list of mindfulness activities to cure anxiety.)
Communicate your concerns and feelings: Talk with your partner about what you’re thinking and feeling, even if your thoughts and emotions don’t seem rational to you. Jealousy does not have to be rational for it to be detrimental. Be honest with your partner and ask for their help to work through this issue.
Challenge cognitive distortions: Cognitive distortions are negative, untrue thoughts that are very common in retroactive jealousy. For example, “My partner is going to leave me for their ex,” can be a cognitive distortion. Another example is, “All my partner’s exes were so much better than I am. They’re only with me out of pity.” These are negative, unfounded thought patterns. When you experience them, challenge them with something positive and true: “My partner is with me because they love me.” or “My partner has said they are over their exes, and I trust them.”
Write down all the strengths of your current relationship: Celebrate your strengths by writing down the good things in your relationship, what you love most about it, and what you bring to the relationship. Ask your partner to contribute their own thoughts. Look at the list when you are feeling retroactive jealousy.
Avoid social media: Social media can be a huge trigger for many people with retroactive jealousy. Avoid it or put time limits on it. If you can, block yourself from seeing their exes accounts. If you have a social media addiction, read this guide to help you break free from it.
Strengthen your current relationship: Putting in the work to strengthen your relationship can alleviate feelings of jealousy. Practice good intimacy, be communicative, go on new, exciting dates, and listen to each other.

Jealousy is common, but that doesn’t make it easy to deal with. If you struggle with retroactive jealousy, therapy can help. A licensed therapist can work with you to improve your relationships by rooting out jealousy.

Ready to talk to a therapist about retroactive jealousy? Contact Lifebulb’s team to be scheduled with an online therapist, or browse our list of affordable therapists near you.

Talk to us