Nov 18, 2024
You’ve probably seen those Instagram pictures or TikTok reels featuring a happy couple doing something mundane together with smiles on their faces and a #relationshipgoals in the description. Finding the perfect relationship is something people search their whole life for … but what is a perfect relationship? What are the relationship goals people look for? And is there any way to pull these goals back down from unreality?
A realistic, healthy relationship will have its flaws. (A healthy relationship will still be hard at times.). Having relationship goals will help you strive for a relationship that meets your needs and adds quality to your life.
A perfect relationship won’t manifest out of thin air. It takes work and a mutual understanding of what you want your relationship to look like. Building relationship goals together is one tool you can use to ensure you’re steering your relationship in the right direction.
What are relationship goals?
Goals help us break down big dreams into manageable action steps. If you want to get your dream job, you may start by applying to jobs, going for promotions, and building your skill set. If your goal is to have a healthy, long-lasting relationship, you’ll need some relationship goals to help guide you.
Psychologists have long used the acronym SMART to describe good goal-setting behaviors. SMART goals are ones that are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time Bound. (S.M.A.R.T) Click here for an example of how to use SMART goals when building your 2025 New Year’s resolutions!
Researchers have found that people whose goals align with these metrics are more likely to achieve said goals.
Relationship goals can follow a similar pattern. Although not all goals have to be SMART goals, having SMART goals in your relationship can help build the habits that will carry your relationship into the future.
Why are goals important in your relationship?
Setting goals in a relationship is like steering a boat. You could let the boat drift and maybe you’ll find where you want to go eventually, but it’ll be a lot faster and easier if you steer the boat in the right direction.
Setting goals in a relationship helps develop:
- Mutual understanding
- Teamwork
- Communication
- Intimacy
- Accountability
- Resilience
- Conflict management
Relationship goals help you and your partner build the relationship you want to have. It takes the ideals, hopes, and wants and makes them manageable.
10 Relationship Goals to Strive For
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When setting SMART relationship goals, take some time to think over what you truly want. Have a conversation with your partner about what they want. Once you know what your goals are, break them down into actionable steps. For example, larger relationship goals could be:
- Getting to know your partner deeper
- Cultivating greater emotional intimacy
- Being fully yourself around them
- Showing each other love in the way they best receive it
- Tackle challenges as a unit
- Handle disagreements healthily
These are some great relationship goals that any couple would want to strive for. But how do you achieve those goals? How do you go from where you are to the emotionally intimate, comfortable relationship you want?
By forming manageable, actionable goals: SMART relationship goals.
Here are some SMART relationship goals to help you and your partner get started:
- Set aside intentional time every day: If you want to get to know each other better, set a goal to have intentional dinner with each other every night.
- Go on a date night every weekend: If you want to keep things exciting, make it a goal to go on a date outside of the house every other weekend.
- Learn each other’s love languages and attachment styles: The five love languages describe how someone best receives and gives love. It’s not uncommon for two people to have different ways of expressing love, and the attempts at showing affection go unnoticed. Avoid this by seeking to understand how each other responds to and wants to receive love. Attachment styles are also important to learn, as they inform how we communicate, argue, and form relationships with other people.
- Check-In with each other’s emotions during an argument: Arguments are not a sign something is broken in your relationship; it’s a sign you’re both human and trying to form a partnership with each other in what can be a chaotic and confusing world. Instead of demonizing fighting, try to practice healthy argument skills. For example, check in with one another when you’re arguing. Is someone feeling unheard, belittled, or threatened? Those emotions aren’t going to help solve the issue at hand, so take a moment to reconcile each other in love before you continue to solve the problem solve.
- Romanticize the small things: If you want to build stronger emotional intimacy, learn to treasure the small moments. The morning coffee, bedtime cuddles, and drives to the grocery store. Intimacy is built on these small moments, not the big ones.
- Stop Being Defensive: Defensiveness is one of the “four horsemen” that break down marriages, according to the Gottman Institute, a leading researcher and therapy center for marriage and couples therapy. Being defensive instead of open to talking can quickly cut off any attempt at problem-solving that could take place.
- Address conflict as soon as it arises: Don’t let resentment fester; it’ll only grow stronger. Instead, if trust has been damaged, rebuild it as soon as you can. (Need help? Click here for our guide on rebuilding trust in a relationship.)
- Understand your own red flags: We all have red and green flags. (Here’s a list of the 7 most common green and red flags.) We all carry baggage from previous relationships and experiences. Instead of ignoring our flaws, bring them up with your partner. Talk about what you need from each other and how you can help one another become better people. (This is especially important if you are prone to overthinking a relationship.)
- Highlight each other’s strengths: A relationship isn’t just about helping each other through your worst moments; it’s about celebrating individual wins together! When something great happens in your partner’s life, celebrate with them! Encourage them on their individual goals and help them see their personal strengths.
- Create a couple’s budget: Differences over finances are one of the biggest reasons couples break up and are a leading cause of divorce for married couples. Tension over finances is inevitable, and not a fault of the relationship. Money is stressful! But get ahead of the fights and create a budget together. Help support one another in your financial goals and work to build a sustainable future together.
These are 10 examples of SMART couple goals that can help you build a long-lasting, loving relationship. As helpful as goal setting can be, it can’t fix all relationship issues. If it feels like your relationship is cracking, couples counseling can help. Couples counseling is a way to reconnect with one another, work through past hurts and resentments, and build a stronger future together.
Sometimes it can feel like there’s no coming back from the mound of hurt, resentment, and miscommunication that a relationship can be buried under. Couples counseling and a good couples counselor can provide the shovel and support you need to dig out a relationship from ruin. It is possible to have a healthy, long-lasting relationship, even after both members have been hurt. Couples counseling can help.
To be connected with a couples therapist near you, reach out to Lifebulb Counseling & Therapy. We have online couples counselors ready and excited to meet you both. You can also browse our directory of couples therapists to find a good match yourself.
