Transactional Love: Definition, Signs, and What to Do About It

What is a transactional relationship?

A transactional relationship is when there is a clear expectation of giving and receiving. Person A performs a deed or gifts something in return for Person B performing a deed or gifting something. Usually, what is being exchanged had already been established, but not always. Sometimes the exchange happens immediately—as in when you check out at the grocery store—and others are exchanged further down the road—like returning a favor or working for a bi-monthly paycheck. This give-and-take is beneficial to both parties. 

Human interpersonal relationships are built on this sort of mutual reciprocity. Even in a relational type of relationship, there is an expectation that you will both give and receive. It’s like the common saying that marriages should be 50/50: there is never one person doing it all, but rather a shared load and a shared reward. (Otherwise, you run the risk of not feeling loved anymore.) This type of dynamic is the foundation of human relationships. 

Transactional relationships take it a step further by adding a layer of formality and expectation. Breaking a transactional relationship is much more clear-cut than breaking the trust of a relational type. Because of this straightforward nature, transactional relationships benefit both parties quickly and succinctly. However, it leaves little room for emotional depth or interpersonal connection. 

Examples of Transactional Relationships

Transactional relationships are commonly found in businesses and employment settings, but can be found in our romantic relationships and friendships. Here are some examples:

• You are hired at a new job, with the expectations to fulfill your job requirements in exchange for a bi-weekly salary payout. 
• You go out for dinner and pay the establishment a set amount in exchange for your food prepared and brought to your table. 
• You vote for a leader and in exchange, they represent your thoughts and opinion on matters in higher levels of government, social standing, or employment. 
• You cook dinner every night in exchange for your partner cleaning the house.   
• You drive your coworker to and from work in exchange for them buying your gas. 
• You help out a coworker with a project with the assumption that they will help you out in the future. 
• You help a friend move, and ask for their help moving you out of your apartment in the future. 

All of these are good, healthy examples of transactional relationships. Even in nonprofessional relationships, transactions such as these can be a sign of a healthy and functioning relationship. Humans need to compromise and work together on tasks, and transactions are a great way to navigate that. 

Relational vs Transactional

Relational and Transactional relationships are two ways relationships can function. Rarely is a relationship 100% relational or 100% transactional; it is usually a mix of the two. For example, your relationships with your boss should be primarily transactional, but there might be an element of relational in there, so that, for example when you get married, they happily send you a wedding gift unprompted. On the other hand, relational types can be at times transactional. “I’ll walk the dog if you start on dinner”, or “I’ll drive you to the airport if you do the same for me”. 

The core difference between relational and transactional is that transactional relationships are: 

• Goal-oriented and specific
• Usually self-serving, even if it benefits others
• Has a clear-cut understanding of the expectations and outcomes. 

Relational relationships, on the other hand, are:

• Based on mutual empathy and care
• Emotionally-intimate
• Focused on the long-term strength of the relationship
• Provides intimacy, safety, and other non-physical objectives
• Involve supporting one another even if there is not a clear-cut advantage for yourself

For example, a parent who drives their kid to and from practice because their kid loves the sport is very different from a paid coach who drives their team to and from events.

When is a transactional relationship bad?

As we’ve seen, there are plenty of instances in which transactional relationships are healthy and necessary. However, when a relational relationship becomes too transactional, issues can occur. This is called transactional love. 

Transactional love is not always a bad thing, either. It depends on what you want out of the relationship you are in. At items, they can be helpful. However, they are often not suitable for long-term relationships or for supporting high emotional intimacy and fulfillment. 

For example, friends with benefits is a common transactional relationship that masquerades as a relational relationship. Although there is plenty of gray in a friends-with-benefits relationship, the general expectation is clear: fun, physical intimacy with no strings attached. Whether or not this is bad depends on your phase of life and what you want out of the relationship. It can easily become a situationship, which can be bad for your mental health. 

So, a transactional relationship can be unhealthy or bad if it:

• Does not support your goals for emotional intimacy and relationship longevity 
• Is imbalanced (you are giving more than you are receiving)
• Is at all coercive, controlling, or exhibits these manipulation tactics

The core question you should ask yourself when it comes to a transactional relationship is simply: Is this what I want? What are the green flags and red flags?

If you are happy with how your relationship functions, then it is probably fine! If you feel unfulfilled or uncomfortable with it, it’s time to have a conversation.

What to do when relational turns transactional?

It’s not uncommon for relational relationships, especially those that are familiar and long-term, to drift into transactional. For example, a marriage that has lost its spark and is now more like two roommates living together than a romantic relationship may exhibit signs of being transactional. Once you’ve lost that intimacy spark, your relationship can suffer. Affairs are more likely and you’ll have to work hard to get the lost intimacy back. 

When this happens, here are some steps you can take:

• Ask yourself if you are okay with this change or not. 
• If you are not, ask yourself why. What emotional or intimacy needs are no longer being met by this relationship?
• Bring your concerns to the other person. You might be surprised how often they feel the same way. 
• Work together to dismantle the transactional nature of the relationship and bring it back to a relational. This might mean focusing on meeting emotional needs or spending more time together. 
• If they don’t agree with you, have an honest conversation about the future of the relationship. Can you come to a compromise or are your visions of the relationship too far apart? 

If this conversation becomes heated, you could benefit from couples counseling or relationship counseling. Relationship counseling isn’t just for married couples or romantic partners, but rather for anyone who is struggling interpersonally. This can include being in a transactional relationship or experiencing transactional love. 

Lifebulb Counseling offers online relationship and couples counseling across the US. With over one hundred licensed therapists to choose from and most major insurances accepted, you can rest assured that you are receiving the highest quality of care. 

To learn more or to be matched with a therapist today, give our support team a call. Alternatively, you can browse our list of relationship therapists to find one who meets your needs.

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