Feb 6, 2025
Relationships are hard work, but what kind of hard work? When you’re not feeling close to your partner or you are falling out of love, is there anything you can do to save your relationship?
Yes, actually. There are many things you can do to save a faltering relationship, but one of the simplest (and free) things you can do to deepen a connection with someone is ask them good questions, listen to their response, and be vulnerable in turn.
Research shows that "reciprocal self-disclosure” is beneficial to relationships by strengthening them and promoting a sense of closeness. Reciprocal self-disclosure is the process of sharing something about yourself, usually something vulnerable, and then the other person doing the same. Research shows that self-disclosure produces more self-disclosure, so if you open up about something vulnerable your partner is more likely to reciprocate that.
One way to foster this closeness is by sitting down and having a deep conversation with your partner. This means asking meaningful questions, engaging in active listening, and being vulnerable.
This is the third article in our new “Healthy Relationships” Series. Read the previous article, “How to Use the 5 Love Languages to Deepen Your Connection” here. Stay tuned for more content on how you can build a healthy, thriving relationship.
How to Build Intimacy Through Question Asking
It’s not enough to just ask a question; there has to be intent behind the actions. To deepen your connection with your partner, try these steps:
- Find a time you can both sit down and give each other your undivided attention.
- Put away your phones, either in the other room or on Do Not Disturb (no phubbing!).
- Face each other, so you can make good eye contact.
- Utilize physical touch, like hand holding, if that’s something you both like.
- Engage in active listening.
- Reciprocate vulnerability.
When was the last time you sat down and just talked with your partner? When was the last time you were vulnerable with them? These are exercises that will help you build trust, intimacy, and connection.
When you’re ready, use these deep questions to foster great conversation that will deepen your relationship.
(On a first date? Use our guide to deep questions for your first date to start your budding relationship off on the right foot!)
Deep Questions For Couples
- How have you changed since you were a child? Since you were a teenager?
- What did you want to be when you grew up? What changed?
- What brings you joy on a daily basis?
- What were your initial thoughts when you first met me?
- What's something you don’t like about yourself?
- What’s something you love about yourself?
- What do you feel is currently missing in your life?
- In what ways have you grown over the past year, and how have I changed alongside you?
- Have your life goals shifted over time? If so, how?
- Do you see yourself in your mom or dad? How?
- What is your purpose or mission in life?
- What exciting things are happening in your life at the moment?
- What concerns you the most about our future?
- What’s something you want to change about our relationship?
- How can we have more fun as a couple?
- What is your love language?
- What is your attachment style?
- What are your goals for our relationship?
- What are some things in your life that you regret?
- Has your perspective on our relationship changed? If so, in what ways?
- What helped you during the darkest part of your life?
- What’s a moment where you remember feeling fully loved?
- What do your thoughts sound like?
- What’s your first thought when you get up in the morning? When you’re falling asleep?
- What does friendship mean to you?
- What is your most treasured memory?
- What is your worst memory?
- How would you describe your family dynamic?
- What do you want our family dynamic to be like?
- What’s the most embarrassing moment in your life?
- What do you think are the most important traits a person should have?
- If you could go back to college for free, what would you study?
- If you were immortal, how would you spend your free time?
- What is something you could rant about?
- What are some of your biggest pet peeves?
- What are things that I do that annoy you?
- How do you show your love?
- What occupies much of your thoughts?
- How do you handle conflicts and disagreements?
- How do you want to be remembered?
- What’s a defining moment in your life?
- What’s on your bucket list?
- How do you handle stress?
- What’s the biggest challenge you’ve faced?
- What’s the best piece of advice you’ve heard?
- What are some boundaries you hold strongly?
- What do you fear most?
- How do you cope with your fears?
- Why do you want to be in a relationship?
- How do you think responsibilities should be divided in a relationship?
Why Talking To Your Partner is Important
In the hustle of everyday life, it can be hard to carve out time to sit down and simply talk with your partner—no distractions or phubbing, no multitasking, just you and them. But this kind of connection can be really important to the longevity and health of your relationship.
Deep conversations with your partner can result in:
- Greater trust
- Higher emotional intimacy
- Eagerness to grow with one another
- Better communication during arguments and disagreements
- Understanding and appreciating one another better
Deep conversations are also proven to make us feel happier and more purposeful. Those who take the time to connect with their friends and family in this way have deeper connections and happiness in their relationships.
Couples Counseling for Relationships
If you are not yet versed in communicating with your partner, these kinds of deep conversations can be tricky. If you need help learning how to communicate, be vulnerable, and mitigate disagreements, a couples counselor can help.
Therapy isn’t just for couples who want to break up. It’s not always a last resort. In fact, getting ahead of the problem by coming to therapy when you notice breaks in your relationship can prevent a lot of heartbreak.
Lifebulb has online couples therapists located throughout the U.S. Browse our list of couples therapists near you or contact our team to be matched with a couples therapist who meets your needs today. We accept most major insurances and have in-person and online therapy options.
